BiLight: A Romantic Parody
by OneSmallButler
Summary: It is the love story of the century: Alice and Bella... Jacob and Eddi... Confused? Then please, read on.


Bi-Light

(Author's note: This is a parody romance. I am a fan of Twilight.)

Chapter 1

Bella:

I've always hated moving, but this was the worst time yet. I was moving away from home. For the first time I would be without my mother, and to my… "Father." He is my real father, but we've never really connected. I'm beginning to suspect that he was hoping for a male child to teach the wonders of baseball and girls. Typical. My mother's words to me snap me out of my internal monologue.

"Bella, honey? I know you don't really agree with this but we thought it'd be for the best. Craig and I are going on holiday to Ibiza anyhow. I'm going to get so wasted, hunny~!"

…Yeah, my mother was one of the moms who believed she was young and hip. Honestly, whatever the hell makes her happy and doesn't involve me, the better. Craig, as she mentioned, was her quarter-back boyfriend. I don't mind him as much as my own father, but that was due to the fact that he didn't really bother with me, but would make friendly gestures and whatnot.

I had finished packing my things in the large metallic silver SUV, and slammed the boot shut. I opened the front door of the car and slid onto the boiling leather seat. One thing I won't miss is the boiling weather of this damn place. It's at least 100 degrees every single day. To avoid conversation with my mother, I quickly pulled it out my MP3 player, and scrolled down my playlists:

'Bella's Playlists:'

Oh my god, I'm so different

I 3 Sparkly Guys

Goth Stuff

Pop and general music

Bella crinkled her eyes with confusion, and quickly deleted the Pop and General Music playlist, probably the only pleasant music she had. The roar of screams and roars blasted into her earphones, her usual frown was spread across her lips as she stared at the window of the SUV, staring at the general beauty of the desert. Okay, scratch that, she just twiddled her thumbs for an hour, because she's "different."

Before she had realised, they had arrived at the airport. Bella reached into her cardigan pocket and switched off her MP3 Player. Leaning forward, her clothes slowly stretched off of the boiling sticky leather seat. "Ew." Was all Bella could think of from her mind. _(Jesus, I think she's just dumb, not "different.")_ Bella quickly rushed to the boot and opened it, pulling out her Hello Kitty designed suitcase; her groans were loud as soon as she pulled it out. "Mom, really? Do I really need THIS suitcase?" Her mother was already chatting up the local valet. What a surprise, and look where his eyes are. Bella then sighed deeply, walking to the entrance of the airport as the large metallic doors shifted open automatically. "Flight 45 to Vamp-Wolf-Ville will leave in 10 minutes." FUCK! Bella shouted in her mind as she rushed to the check-in gate, practically throwing her suitcase onto the moving belt. She had made it with seconds to spare, relaxing in her chair, and once more pulling out her MP3 player, and her earphones. She was on her way to a 4 book series and 5 movie franchise.

Jacob:

Jacob had always been an odd boy, especially from birth. The boy was born with two big-ass fluffy ears. I mean… Come on, what the hell happened there? So from an early age, Jacob's father, Benjamin had taught him to hunt, and play, and sit, and roll over. By the age of 17 he was a healthy young teenage pup with a lot of spunk and an art for Mechanics.

He had overheard his father and Bella's talking numerous times about her, every time he would hear her name he would get excited and his large shaggy tail would wave very fast, a big slobbery grin on his face. The truth is, even though he had never met her, he wanted to be with Bella, and get her to have his litter. So when the news that Bella would be moving to Vamp-Wolf-Ville, he was ecstatic with joy. He wouldn't stop running around the town and chasing cars for a full week. He was a very good boy. Long, charcoal hair, and a six-pack… Of beer. Unfortunately Jacob was quite obese… He wasn't made fun of, he was quite popular. But he had never had a girlfriend, and most times he locked himself in his room, watching the neighbour dogs go at it multiple times, pleasuring himself to the disgusting mongrels mount each other.

"Jacob! Come down here please!" His father blared to him from downstairs. "Okay, Dad!" The thundering footsteps could be echoed throughout the house. His dad chuckled to himself, as Jacob stopped in front of him. "Yeah, Dad?" His father held up a small, squeaky ball. Jacob's pupils widened. "Dad, please… Don't…" His dad grinned evilly. "Jakey, go get the ball!" He then threw the ball out of the window into the deep woods. Jacob roared, barking loudly and smashed through the window after it. _(Boy, he sure is stupid too…") _"Jacob, you stupid jackass…" His father knew of his son's stupidity, but put up with it, because he was his offspring. He couldn't blame him for being like that, he DID once use his soft head as a place mat accidentally. (_Yeah, that was a bad day…) _It wasn't until later in the day that Jacob returned with the ball… And with the dog-catcher. He pounded on the door heavily. "Excuse, Mr. Wolf? Is this your son?" The dog-catcher held up a scruffy flat-headed husky, his head slightly cocked and his tongue slithering out slowly. Jacob's dad smirked, and took the husky in his arms. "Yep, that's my dumbass." The dog-catcher sighed, clearly annoyed. "Please stop doing this, your son is very retarded. I found him in the cinema naked licking his own balls… The people watching Twilight were very scared." His dad turned back to look at the warden: "Not of my son, obviously. Of Kristen Stewart." They both shared a large laugh for a while, before slamming the door shut, and placing the dirty husky in the bath, and putting the shower onto full blast, spraying the dog with the freezing water, Jacob returning to his fat human form. "You aren't going to be like this when Bella comes to visit are you? And what are you going to do about Eddi?" Ah. Jacob had forgotten about Eddi.


End file.
